Lately I have been lacking so much motivation and inspiration to write, so I apologise. However, it has caused me to reflect a lot on my past and I have kept coming back to one major point in my life.
Up until Year 12, I craved sadness. It happened a lot when I was on and off with “Nick” (see my Teenage Love post if you’re unsure of who I’m talking about). I went through a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions during this time that ranged from times of ecstasy to weeks of depression – and I became addicted to this feeling.
I started creating havoc and distress so I could get a reaction out of the people close to me, to the point where these relationships crashed and I got my thrill. It was a constant loop of being insanely happy to incredibly sad and I loved being sad.
Being sad meant I could sit up all night and cry, wake up the next morning to go to school or play netball or study, forget about my sadness, and the moment it was done I was able to wallow again.
As stupid as it sounds it’s what I was looking for and what I kept seeking. I was so numb and emotionless that I created the intense feelings of sadness to feel something. As soon as I was bored and wasn’t living in the utopian life I had created in my mind, I needed the drastic change.
I have been reflecting on it so much lately because I started looking for it again, after not needing it for so long – and that scared me.
I started talking to people from my past that hurt me that I vowed never to speak to again, just to get the high that I was craving – all because I missed crying my eyes out until 2am.
It is super sad to know that was the point that I was at, and I am sure I am not the only one that needs to feel such extreme and penetrating emotions in order to feel content.
But instead of seeking pain, I have started to explore ways to find intense feelings excitement and pleasure – something that will make me feel alive and happy.
I joined a gym, saved my money to buy a pair of Dr Martens I have always wanted, booked myself in to get a tattoo I have had designed since last year, and started a bullet journal to express my deepest emotions and display my creative thoughts for the day.
I haven’t craved sadness in 3 weeks and 1 day.